Prime Minister Theresa May has moved to consider sanctions against Russia in what threatens to be a cooling in diplomatic relations between the country and the UK. May has been explicit about her condemnation of the Russian government over their alleged involvement in the poisoning of Sergei Skripal, a former Russian military intelligence agent and double agent, who also worked for the UK’s secret intelligence agencies.
Skripal and his daughter had been poisoned using an unusually primitive cold war nerve agent called Novichok, exclusively developed by Russia in the 70’s and 80’s. This lead to former MI6 head, Lieutenant-General Totterington-Smythe making the conclusion that “It unequivocally must have been the Ruskies, it’s got their calling card all over it.”
When pressed about the seemingly convenient location of Porton Down, the UK military’s top-secret chemical and biological testing facility where foreign nerve agents have been collected and tested since long before the cold war, being a mere 8 miles away from the scene of the poisoning attack, Totterington-Smythe dismissed any link as “utter hornswoggle”.
“It’s quite clear that the Ruskies smuggled this highly volatile chemical from 3,000 km away, just so they could make it blindingly obvious that they were responsible for the attack, only to deny it afterwards”, he continued. “The idea that it came from our own supplies of Novichok, which don’t exist, by the way, from a facility eight miles down the road from the incident, which also doesn’t exist, is just malcontents blathering like a bubbly-jock”.
“Besides”, he concluded, “those commie traitors that use the internet are poking bogey by suggesting that we would even have a motive for poisoning Skripal ourselves. He may well have been an unscrupulous double agent who bought and sold state secrets for cold, hard cash in the past, but the man knew his silly mid-off from his cow corner, so in my mind, the man was a true-blue, he played by Marylebone rules”
