Gove wearing “excessive cologne” as Met brings in coke sniffer dogs

The Metropolitan Police have recently voiced their plan to bring sniffer dogs into the Houses of Parliament after swab tests revealed traces of cocaine in 11 of the 12 bathroom facilities within the building. Soon after the announcement, self-confessed former cocaine user, the Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities, Michael Gove, was allegedly witnessed by Commons visitors “smelling like a tart’s handbag”. A spokesperson for the Rt Hon MP for Surrey Heath tried to downplay the observation as a coincidence, and claimed that Gove had merely had a “grooming malfunction” whilst visiting a bathroom facility.

An insider claimed to have overheard Gove commenting to the PM that “One can’t even ‘Chat with Cecil’ without some flatfoot chalk-hound sticking its effing nose in, bloody bugle beagles”, whilst walking down a Westminster corridor “reeking like he’d chugged half a can of Lynx Africa”. PM Boris Johnson smirked whilst responded to the allegations, saying the evidence was “flakey”, and that the Police should perhaps concentrate on “clearing the snow on our motorways rather than our toilets”